Friday 8th June 2012 - Colombo, Sri Lanka

I was in my room doing yoga when Anjali came knocking on my door saying she had agreed to meet her neighbour to go to a flower market in Sri Lanka's capital city - apparently Colombo isn't the capital city, which came as a shock to me - according to Anjali it is only the financial capital?! Anyway, her neighbour would pick us up in half an hour so I had to ditch the yoga and jump in the shower.  On the way to the flower market we had to stop at a church to pick up food to take to a poor area in Colombo. Her neighbour did this every Friday but had her driver doing it all! He picked up the food and took it to the poor people whilst she waited in the car! Kind of defied the point in my opinion. Anjali said that I should go and have a look at the houses and walked with me down this narrow lane where there were doors basically on top of each other on both sides of the lane. Each door led to a small room where usually more than 8 people would sleep. The houses had tin roofs and were absolutely tiny. There were people sitting on their doorsteps smiling as we walked past with the driver carrying the food. I was really interested in seeing these houses properly but I didn't want to impose or make a spectacle of these people's lives. They were human too so it felt kind of wrong for me to look inside their house or stare so I just smiled at the people and avoided looking passed them and into their home.  We arrived at the place where the flower market was supposed to be only to find that there was some landscaping work taking place so the market couldn't take place. Rather than just driving back we went to a place called Water's Edge and stopped at a cafe to have a snack. There was also an art exhibition taking place on the grass outside so we looked around there for a bit before jumping back in the car to head back to Colombo. We drove passed a building that was basically the equivalent to the houses of parliament but in Sri Lanka and I stopped to get a photo.  Once we were back at Anjali's we did some meditation and then she did energy healing on me. She is very spiritual and told me that she could see people's auras - apparently mine is green, meaning that I love nature but also that I get jealous.  Anjali then got a call from Farizeh asking her if she wanted to meet at the Avirate Cafe at 4pm. Anjali and I decided to walk there. It was such a nice walk and required us to walk passed the independence hall. According to Anjali it was her great grandfather who had established independence in Sri Lanka when he was the Prime Minister and there was a statue of him on the grounds around the hall.   We walked around having a look and then I could hear live music in the distance - on the field opposite the hall there were marching bands from the army and navy performing. It was absolutely amazing to watch - apparently they were practising for an event that was taking place on Sunday.  We got to Avirate Cafe early so we went into the store to look around. It was the worst thing I could have done! The staff, including the male manager, kept bringing me loads of different items to try on and absolutely everything looked amazing. Also when Farizeh joined us she was picking out amazing clothes for me. I liked Farizeh a lot as whenever she brought me an item to try on, if i said it wasn't me she would be like "yes I see what you mean but it does look stunning". Anjali on the other hand would say "what is wrong with you, get it!"  Whenever Anjali and I were alone she was lovely and would talk from the heart about life and other things but when there were other people around I noticed that she was usually quite rude to me and talked for me when people asked me a question. It was like I was seen but not heard and if I was heard Anjali would usually correct me or disagree with what I had to say in quite a forceful manner so I would just shut up and go inward. I hadn't worn nice clothes for three months and hadn't bought any with me because that wasn't the kind of journey I was on so was kind of offended when Anjali said "Basically you have been wearing the wrong clothes missus!" I know she didn't mean any harm by it but it wasn't appreciated. Anjali, Farizeh, Rudey and I then jumped in the car to go and feed Anjali's cat whilst I quickly changed into one of my new dresses. We then headed to the Hilton for drinks. It was dark so the place was lit up which seems to make these places look even more stunning than in the daylight. Gihan ended up joining us and when Rudey got up to go to the toilet he took the seat next to me and moved it closer. Cringe! He tried making conversation with me but I kept turning my attention to the ladies hoping he would stop - eventually he did.   There was a band playing live music but it was pretty dreary so we then headed to Cinnamon Lake to a club called the Library where they had a pool table and a live band also.  Rudey, Gihan and I went to play pool while the ladies danced. I beat Rudey which meant I had to play Gihan but I felt ridiculously uncomfortable because he kept sitting right where the white ball landed meaning that he would check me out when I bent over to play. To avoid him checking me out I literally stood straight and hit the ball in any way without trying to aim. Also when I was playing Rudey, Gihan had tried to put his arm around me to show me how I should position myself. I pulled so far away and said you can show me from where you are! I got really upset at this place because Rudey had again managed to pay the bill at the Hilton and at The Library. Rudey saw that it had upset me that he kept paying and he came over and told me to stop being silly and said I should spent my money on other things like clothes. Then Anjali spotted I was upset and started going into a full blown lecture in front of everyone so I had to ask her to leave it out until no one was around.  We all danced until about 1am and then they dropped Anjali and I back home. I had a talk with Anjali and told her that I needed to leave her house because I was following a path now that I didn't want to be on and spending too much money on things that I shouldn't be spending on. Also because I didn't like that Farizeh and Rudey kept paying the bill and that I couldn't afford to take a whole bill like that and that the only way I could avoid this was to stop going out with them.  She understood and was supportive of my decision but also gave me a lecture about getting upset with people paying the bill and explained that nobody had to do anything they didn't want to do. She also had both of us in tears saying that she can see that I don't love myself and that this is why I find it hard to let people close to me or accept that people actually enjoy spending time with me and that they genuinely want to pay the bill. She struck a cord inside me but I had no idea how to fix it. I know this about myself but it's something I try to push aside and avoid but it always comes out in the way I feel about certain things that happen to me and how I may react. I don't feel whole inside and don't feel like I can offer a lot to people so I get jealous or insecure and threatened when a friend has a new friend or when for instance Hugh used to be hanging out with other females because I feel replaceable. This is one of the things that I hoped I could fix by travelling as i would at least feel like I had achieved something - the problem is though that I don't see me travelling alone as a big deal. Farizeh and Anjali are constantly telling me what a big deal it is and that it says a lot about myself but I just feel numb to everything and feel unable to spark a fuse inside that looks at myself as anything other than a failure.  You could say I have issues!!! Anyway, Anjali made me talk it out so I went to bed feeling a bit better.